Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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