listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
