This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
