Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
