Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
