If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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