Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
