You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
