I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
