i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
