So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just forgot I was standing up.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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