There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My liver just had a heart attack.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
