Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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