I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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