This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
