she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
