I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
