is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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