im about as happy as oj after his trial
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
