I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
