Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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