$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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