fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
