you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
