we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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