I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
