dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
