Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
