the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability