Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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