i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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