Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
