Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
