So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
