im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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