sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
