they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
