Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
