took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
