so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
