I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
