Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
