i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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