this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
