Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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