quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
