My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
