i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
