I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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