True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
