i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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