he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
