Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
