At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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