my phone needs a breathalizer
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
