Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
